I'm about to begin one of the biggest rants, entries, whatever of my whole livejournal career.

Since I haven't made a single post since the beginning of the year, I've got a lot on my mind as it is, and a lot of it has to be said regardless of how it makes other people feel. It isn't to put people down, it isn't to bring people up, it's to express my opinions and that's all they're there for. I'll be sure to put up an lj-cut somewhere in the posts where I'm going on about something critical that will effect others in a negative view.

I summed up the year two-thousand and seven with a big relentless horrifying bang. I was involved. I played part in a retarded break up and went along with it all, adapting a new personality to go through. I was barely online like I am now. I was way too emotional for my own good and all knows that I'm usually the most logical person there is. I'm the one who will literally laugh if I see someone get hit by a car, I know that's bad but it's the way I am. It's not something I'm going to change about myself. But the reality is that regardless of how logical, brutal or honest I am, I'm still the person who's looking out for others. By law, it isn't something that I want people to see due to the fact that it's going to be one of my "weaknesses".

If I'm angry, the other side of me, the bad side, jumps right out using all possible logic to make the other person feel inferior. That is one of the reasons why I can't maintain friendships properly (and the fact that I'm way too introverted for my own good). Now regarding the retarded breakup and the retarded "let's get back together!". So in order to sum up the entire last year, the best way to do it by making this entry of continuous conversations with my "love rival" Trevor public. I have to give thanks to Keith for letting me put it as public, especially after he asked me not to bring it up anymore.

If the issue of my real father, Steve, and the whole abandonment issue was a big deal then I probably wouldn't have been able to let go of Keith. Especially after giving a years worth of love, care, physical attention, and enduring a whole bunch of bullshit. The thing about our past is that I'm not someone who is going to be affected by that. So someone like me will take it as a lesson, move on and continue with myself. Now regarding the temporary friendship with Trevor, it was due to the idea that I stopped caring. Which isn't true since I still have feelings for Keith. And he gave me a huge insight. The only problem with Trevor is that he has a bad judge of characters. I am not nor will I ever be the Iron Giant that he made me out to be.

I am glad that I am the person who doesn't care about what others thought because if I were, I'd probably be depressed at the fact that I've lost so many friends and most people hate me in general. That and I wouldn't be the person we all secretly love today, thanks to my ego.

Now regarding this whole issue with Keith. It's been in the process of being fix. There's some random talk of "trial dating" due to the fact that "he wants to give it a try" and I'm overly impressed with my invisible record of how fast he's slowly changing. But before I even give it a real chance, he's obviously has to be exactly changed in the best possible manner. Drugs are not an issue at the moment, his shitty personality that he had towards me is. Like I said, two-thousand and seven was just not my year.

Now what bothers me the most about it is that I had to endure so much and watch him change at the same time. When you're watching someone change in front of you, and you know it's for the worse, that's when you feel powerless. That's when I'm trying my hardest to make a difference and talk them out of it. That's when my logical side is put down and emotions fill me. There will be moments where I'm frustrated and emotions don't mean a thing, so I'll just say things regardless of how rude it is. But that's the way I am, it's the way I work, and all friends are aware of this from the very beginning. I warn people I'm rude. I warn I'm a bitch. I inform all of those who come into contact with me, even if we're not going to be friends.

So now I'm watching people change in front of my eyes and there's nothing I can do. So I wait and we hope for the best. What else are you going to want from your friends after all? And as they come around to reality, that they don't need certain things whether it's a relationship or substance, they can be completely content without it. That's when it's time to begin to change, to grown up. We have to let go of our past as bad as it is, and shape ourselves into something better. Our past shouldn't affect us in such a negative manner but shape us into who we are today. We're suppose to become stronger and take them as learning experiences.

I have a bad past too. I'll admit it. I don't have a father figure in my life and when I got one, Wayne, we didn't like each other. There was abuse, drama, yelling and curses flying back and forth. My real dad is a druggie moron who attempted to abuse my mother. He's a man who never kept his promises, hence why promises are important to me. I can go on but I'm not going to let that stop me from living my own life. I was teased in elementary for almost eight years. I don't care what people say about me now. I don't mind. It only boosts up my ego to hear it. I never saw love, there was no love in our family but I fell in love. It was great and I'll never regret such a feeling.

( Selective Cut 01 )

So after all that and the will to change comes up. You've got to do something right, that's my thoughts exact. I don't have sympathy for people who complain and complain but never do anything about it. It's not right to others. If you expect to things to just pick up on their own, or for good things to happen to you without any effort at all, then I absolutely hate you. I know it's harsh but I liked all the other sides of you! ♥ Things take time, it takes effort, it takes will-power. Now once you've agreed that you want to change, you've shown will-power to make a change, but not enough effort to bother with it... Then I don't see the reason why I should have to bother and listen to such a pity-party. I've already expressed how I want to help you, so why aren't you trying to help yourself?

I'm not directing this to anyone. I've seen people get up on their own two feet and make a difference in their life. There should be nothing holding you back from what you want to accomplish. There never is. There's going to be struggling and you've got accept that. It's going to be difficult; nothing is ever easy in the first place. But if you continue and work at it, you'll get somewhere you want to be. I think one of the things that makes me the happiest is seeing any of my friends grow into a more beautiful person, to get the things they want, to move on and make a change.

As a friend, it's difficult to aid someone when they don't want to help theirselves. That's when there's nothing friends can do. They're only there for support. We aren't going to tend to your old wounds, we aren't going to make everything better, we can only support you. It's you who has to do it. We're there so you don't have to do it on your own.

Now regarding my self-esteem issue. It's going to be there, it's apart of me but it doesn't mean it's going to change. I'm someone who doesn't find myself attractive and I've got to admit it's also because I don't put any effort into myself. I don't take care of my skin. I never did. Even if I tried to take care of my skin, clean it every morning and night before I go to sleep, I'm just going to drop it three days later. I hate washing my hair, I'd rather not put shampoo in it and just soak in the tub for a couple hours. Hell, I don't even like shaving my legs but I do it anyways! I don't exercise. When I do, I get tired after ten minutes. But maybe that's because of my secret-breathing problem! I eat far too much for my own good, but then again I know my metabolism so I can cut back when it starts to slow down.

Even though I know it's a lot more healthier to have six small meals a day, I'm not going to bother with that. I stay up half the night, sleep all morning. I get lazy during the winter and only walk a lot in the summer. I suppose you could call that my exercise (and the fact that I'm highly active at the beach!). The way that beauty is presented is thought up by the media. I don't like Keith for his looks, not one bit. Media says you have to be thin, with curves and a decent size of breasts. They say nice teeth, big lips and dazzling eyes. Whatever, that's media for you. Things change a lot. It used to be that bigger people were beautiful in the 1870s or whatever.

But being beautiful isn't in how you look. It's more of how you present yourself. Besides if you really think you're that ugly, why haven't you done anything about it yet. People should have more faith in theirselves. It's all about personality unless you're super vain. And if you really agree with people, then I suppose you, yourself, have high standards. It's that or you're comparing yourself to everyone else and that's not a good thing either. Be vain, get an ego. But that's probably bad too.

Now this brings me to the idea that I'm growing up. I know if this was more like a proper essay entry, then this would have been up several paragraphs ago but I'm just disorganized. I don't have the same interests as I did two years ago. I've grown up in the sense that I feel more mature that I did in grade ten and hell, that's a whole lot! I know that last year wasn't my best year in the sense of growing up emotionally but some how it worked out for the better. I'm going to be someone who experiences love in a good way and become a better person. I'm not going to hold regrets or anger towards old boyfriends and what-not. It's not fair to either.

And as I've grown up, I've come to the part where I've lost friends. When I was first on the internet, I hung out with a selective group of people at Mount Olympus on palace. Then I talked to two people from an Inu Yasha RPG (and I still love you both :*). Now regarding that selective group, out of so many, I only continued talking to both Patrick and Garrett. I dropped the relationship with Tracy because she's too crazy for me; more like retarded but whatever. Moving on to Avatar Palace, I once again joined a group. I met Stacy who has been one of my best friends for a very long time. Then I came into interaction with Marchelle, Sarah, Sandy, Kahla, whatever the works. It was a nice friendship that was suppose to last because of this fantasy daydream that I thought that I could keep my internet relationships going.

But I realize that something like that can't happen unless there's a true connection. Out of everyone I mentioned, I feel that I can only keep contact with Garrett no matter what. I mean I could just drop off the internet for a couple of months, wonder about him and come back as if nothing has happen. It's that kind of connection that we have, I'm so happy that I have it. It's almost likewise with Stacy also. But regarding others, as much as I'd love to stay friends with all the wonderful people I've met around the world, I know it's impossible. We can keep it touch. We can say we'll call. We can be just like childhood friends.

But the truth is, you've got to be willing to keep it going. You've got to put effort into it. I've been thinking about this ever since I read one of deepblack posts. I've thought about my other friendships thinking what happened. I stopped talking to Howie because of his ability to gloat about nothing really good, it wasn't that he didn't have talent, it's just he isn't good enough to boast himself up. Regarding Patrick, a friendship that I never wanted to lose in the first place, he just merely disappeared one day. Chelle, as I once idolized her, we never really spoke after a major break up issue regarding Sarah. Whatever the reasons are, I know I'm not to blame. It isn't as if I'm pushing these people away.

That's where my current relationships come into play. Right now, I only talk to selective people. I completely ignore the palace population and only go on to communicate with Garrett and Sandy. Msn is only made of people I know in real life, who I barely speak to in the first place. I've got three people on there that I really speak to out of over a hundred. Aim is just Conor, Garrett and Sandy. I don't take the conversations with Conor seriously, since I basically resent him for cheating on me and the fact that I have this idea he only wants to get in my pants. And then it just leaves one friendship unknown. I hate to say this because I cherished the memories a lot, but it's come to this.

And regarding anyone that I meet in real life. We'll just say that as a start off, I've already planted a dirty look on my face, no intention of course its just that I was born with such a look, and wondered what this person wants from me. I'm the kind of girl who assumes that people want something if they approach you, there's no such thing as good intentions. I know there are people who are kind from the very beginning, who will be nice no matter what... But I don't believe people are really like that. It's one of my bad qualities but I suppose it makes me the strongest one here. Maybe friends are meant to come and go when the time is right.

I suppose that's all. I'm about to go swim in a pool of yaoi books in attempts to make up for the lack of my love life. ... ♥

I love you all, I seriously do.